Hockey vs. Baseball

Disclaimer: This is a joke people, NOT meant to be taken seriously. If you feel the need to take umbrage, go for it. I’m only writing this to bust Mike’s shoes.

Hockey Sucks. It’s just that simple. Why? I’ll tell you why. Like other sports that employ the whole “put the ball/puck in the net/basket/end zone mentality,” it’s a banal undertaking. Yeah, I said banal. Look it up!

It’s a crushing bore to watch these idiots run back and forth and back and forth, bla bla bla, and never score until one barbarian slashes another, and the ensuing fisticuffs cause one low forehead to hit the penalty box. Oh look! It’s a power play situation – goal scored! Islanders lose!!

And what about those fisticuffs? How is it that a sport is better known for its ass kickery than anything else? What kind of sport teaches with a nudge and a wink that unsportsmanlike conduct is cool? And, that if you don’t engage in it, you’re basically a pussy. We’ve all heard the old cliché, “I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.” Too true.

I’d rather watch Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier practice the pugilistic arts than two idiots throw their gloves on the ice (snicker) and start punching each other in the face, or better yet, pull their jerseys off! Catfight!!! And if that’s the case I’d rather watch two hot chicks beat each other up.

I like baseball. OK, maybe I’m not as rabid a fan as I was in my youth, but I still have a great appreciation for the game. Do I hate steroids, free agency, four plus hour games? Sure I do! But this is America’s national pastime people!! This is a game of delicate strategy requiring a precise mind. “Do I take this pitcher out? Do I walk this batter? Do I sacrifice or let him swing away?”

Pushing a puck back and forth, back and forth and stopping every so often to check some toothless dude into the boards is nothing compared to the amount of skill it takes to hit a round ball going 100 MPH with a long bat, to drop an amazing bunt, to steal a home run and then double up the guy rounding second with a rifle shot throw, to throw a perfect game, 27 up and 27 down!

And I’m all for a good baseball brawl every now and again, but since they’re infrequent they’re much more memorable. Bud Harrelson vs. Pete Rose, Robin Ventura vs. Nolan Ryan, Lou Piniella vs. Carlton Fisk. How can a hockey fight be memorable? Losing a limb? Eye gouging??

Hockey strategy? A good goalkeeper. Push the puck towards the goal. Make sure you don’t go offsides. Yawn.

Playing with ice skates? Really? Ever see The Cutting Edge? You share the same DNA as Nancy Kerrigan and Michelle Kwan. Butch it up as much as you want. Maybe that’s why you fight so much. Sure you’re not gay. Be a real man and play soccer or rugby!

Games ending in a tie? Are you kidding me? I hate games that are on the clock. I’d rather have two teams duke it out for 22 innings than end in a stupid tie. And for the record, Bud Selig is an ass for letting the All-Star Game end that way!

Drama? Oh, please. I’ll give you guys the 1980 Winter Olympics. That was undeniably awesome. But come on! Anyone ever see Game 6 of the 1975 World Series? Now THAT’S drama! Game 6 of the 1986 World Series? Game 6 of the 1986 NLCS? The 2004 ALCS?

Let’s talk about great hockey movies. (crickets) Let’s talk about great or very good baseball movies – Field of Dreams, Bull Durham, The Natural, Pride of the Yankees, Eight Men Out, The Rookie, Major League, The Bad News Bears, A League of Their Own, The Sandlot, 61, Bang the Drum Slowly, Fear Strikes Out. Why are they so many good ones? Because of the inherent drama of the game! The sport lends itself to making great films.

I don’t know about you but I’d rather have a lump in my throat when Roy Hobbes hits the climactic homer in The Natural than watch Rob Lowe’s ass hair ripped off in Youngblood. Slap Shot is good for a few yuks. Miracle is pretty awesome and falls under the protected category of the 1980 Winter Olympics. Mystery, Alaska? Really?

And excuse me for living, but I don’t want to share a pastime with Canada? Really? America’s hat? The frickin’ Hockey Hall of Fame is in Canada! Lord Stanley was a Canadian! I was in Toronto last year, and easily had the time to go in. I took a pass. If Canada wants to play baseball, let them, but it’s OUR game! I love this quote:

“The entire country of Canada needs to be torn down and paved over for parking lot purposes and. The entire population of Canada then needs to be taken as our prisoners and forced to build sphinxes and pyramids to our great Americans.”

Many of the big hockey sites are .ca sites! What does that tell you? Americans can’t be bothered to blog like crazy about this sport. You know, I always hear about fantasy football or fantasy baseball but I know no one who plays fantasy hockey!

Playoffs? Hockey playoffs go on FOREVER! Sucky teams make the playoffs! And who cares about the Stanley Cup these days? Where is it televised? ESPN The Ocho?? Let me just say I’m no fan of the Wild Card in baseball – I was happy with two rounds. The League Championships were a worthwhile invention, but the Division series is too much. Hockey playoffs last like 6 months anyway, so it’s not as though we’re anywhere near as ridiculous!

In closing, I would just like to reiterate that hockey sucks. Baseball, for all its problems, remains the most strategically innovative, exciting (the moments of boredom heighten the drama) beloved and historic game in this country.

If you disagree, and need to find like minded individuals who share your passion for this moribund (look it up dummies) sport, I suggest pulling up stakes, moving north and watching Hockey Night in Canada (snicker) to your heart’s content. While you’re at it, become a fan of the CFL (snicker) or better yet, curling!!

The Molson’s on me!