The Prank

I’ve been fairly lucky when it comes to relationships. I know several people who have endured a multitude of blind dates and set-ups (both through friends and dating websites like Match and eHarmony). While they often make great fodder for stories after the fact, they can be torturous experiences.

My first two real relationships were borne from a part-time job I had in high school (and still have, yikes!) Both experiences were similar in that I worked with these girls for a number of months. By the time we started dating it was almost a foregone conclusion. It really took the guesswork out of things, and, for my money, it was the ideal way to forge a relationship.

The only real similarities between the two relationships were that both girls were 16 when we started dating. I was two years older than the first and four years older than the second. I had reservations about asking out the second, as it meant re-experiencing the high school scene all over again (I’ve been to six proms – should’ve just bought the damn tux!) The real problem (especially with #2) was that I was a dead man from Day One, as I was her first boyfriend, and we all know where they end up.

The downside of dating co-workers is perilous. The axiom, “Don’t shit where you eat,” came to mind quickly when the second relationship came crashing down around my ears. Overnight my cool, part-time “clubhouse” job became a torture chamber that I could not wait to escape from. It took a few months for me to get out of there, but those four months were horrific. (Four years later, after the ex quit, I came out of retirement and rejoined the old crew!)

I was nearly 25 years old when the relationship ended and I had been confident she and I would marry. When the relationship imploded, my first thought was that I would have a hell of a time meeting someone new. I was right. The Internet was in its infancy and the host of dating sites that eventually proliferated did not exist (and I often wonder if I ever would have turned to them). I had no “game” when it came to meeting people spontaneously, and the bar scene was not even a consideration.

A number of my friends were in serious relationships, and the amount of “new blood” coming into our old crowd was non-existent. I had a quandary. I was certainly not about to join hiking clubs, or cycling clubs, or God knows what kind of clubs, because that stank of desperation to me.

I did have one friend who was pretty slick with the ladies though. He had no problem meeting women, and was as smooth an operator as I ever witnessed (and I’ve witnessed my fair share). I’ve always been fine once the ice was broken, but it was always that initial contact that eluded me. That’s why the job was such a boon to me.

My friend made it his mission to find me a woman. For a while I was content being single after nearly six years of continuous dating, but of course you start asking yourself if you’ll ever meet someone worthwhile again (and how long will it take??), which is the lament of every single person. When you’re in a committed relationship it’s easy to give advice, and spout the hoary old clichés, like, “You never know what’s around the corner,” which is absolutely true, but no one wants to hear.

This friend of mine embarked on a new relationship with a girl who waited on him and his mother at I-Hop one day. I met her soon after and quickly became the fifth wheel. I was ready to drop out which made it even more imperative for him to find someone for me. I’m pretty sure his first idea (and it was a logical one) was to mine all her single friends until we hit on one for me. His girlfriend really didn’t have that many friends to begin with (for good reason as I would find out later).

After some time he arranged the first blind date, and, as is my nature, I was terrified. I try so hard to impress upon my younger friends that there is no reason to be nervous at these moments, that there is nothing to lose, etc, but I rarely practiced what I preached. I had several weeks to work myself into a frenzy about the whole thing, and give this experience much more weight and credibility than it deserved.

Of course, my other close friends knew this “event” was approaching, and decided to have some fun at my expense. On the night of the scheduled date I received a phone call from someone claiming to be the girl I was to meet.

I was shocked this girl was calling me, and I can only imagine how much of a blithering idiot I sounded like. This conversation went on for a few minutes, until the caller revealed their true self. It was my best friend’s sister-in-law, and I hadn’t logged enough phone time with her to recognize the voice. Apparently my friend, his wife and her sister, along with one other friend, were all there to hear this.

Frankly, I was livid (I’m still pissed about it to be honest) and I unleashed a torrent of obscenity that is still hanging in space over the south shore of Long Island (with apologies to Jean Shepherd). Upon finishing my barrage, I hung up on them.

Turns out the date was postponed that night, and I told the friend who arranged the date what happened. He thought what they did was awful, as did others. I was a very easy target, especially that night, and while I see the humor in it, it felt very mean-spirited. The fact that my two best friends hatched the plan along with the girls, made it worse.

To their credit the foursome called me the following day to apologize, and everyone took their medicine, as I had plenty more to dole out. They were probably still snickering about it, and maybe felt I overreacted, but they did say they were sorry, and I appreciated that.

Eventually the date happened and it was a big bust – no chemistry, zilch. It certainly wasn’t a disaster of epic proportions, but it left something of a bad taste in my mouth. My friend was undaunted, and when another friend of his girlfriend became available he approached me again. This time I flatly refused, but he persisted.

I was tricked into meeting this girl one night when a big group of us was slated to go to the movies. I was not happy about that and did nothing to endear myself to her, completely ignoring her.

That must be the secret because we’ve been married for more than ten years.