Why Shatner is So F**king Cool

Most people either love William Shatner or they hate him. That includes "Star Trek" fans, those snobs who prefer "Next Gen" over the Original Series, and those who may have had a bad personal experience with the man, of which there are many. I've met him three times and I don't try to engage him, just get my autograph or my photo and say "thanks," as he flashes his pleasant, nondescript grin. Anybody wanting more is invariably disappointed. So my advice is, just don't.

So why is Bill so f***ing cool? First of all, as far as I'm concerned he is "Star Trek," and the show owes its initial success as much to his magnetism and passionate overacting as Roddenberry's writing, Nimoy's cerebral Spock, topical themes couched in science fiction bla bla bla. His incessant camera hogging and theft of screen time didn't exactly endear him to his co-stars, including one Mr. Nimoy. They may gloss over it now, but they weren't exactly pals then. As Bill has rightly pointed out his co-stars fulfilled a certain function - that they wanted more when they should've been grateful to have a job in the fickle world of Hollywood is beyond me. Their plight was no different than anyone else's on an ensemble show. They've just had 40 years to bitch about it, usually in front of a packed audience of nerds, like myself.

Bill parlayed his fame into some bizarro territory back then with an album entitled "The Transformed Man," his debut as a vocal stylist that contains his infamous recitation of "Mr. Tambourine Man." Bill didn't sing exactly - he recited songs to music as though they were poems, bringing that same em-pha-SIS on CER-tain syllables he was wont to do as James T. Kirk.

With the demise of "Trek" Bill entered the "by any means necessary" school of landing work. He became a staple of the nascent Movie of the Week genre and had enough street cred to be the "Special Guest Star," (translation: I can't carry a show anymore but I have name recognition). He also returned to Kirk voicing his animated counterpart for the short-lived Saturday morning 'toon (1973-74). It was during this decade between the demise of TOS and the first motion picture that Bill indelibly proved he was a whore...albeit a hilarious one.

Bill didn't have the clout for feature films during this time but some cheeseball independent producer must've thrown him a few grand to make "Impulse," (AKA "Want a Ride Little Girl?") Oh, where do I begin? This is definitely a film from the "so bad it's good" genre. Bill howls his way through the most over-the-top performance of his or any other career as a murderous Don Juan who romances as much female white trash as he can get his hands on then kills them for their money.

Let's start with the wardrobe (a good a place as any) My personal favorites are his "pimp daddy" white outfit with matching hat and the multi-hued wife beater he wears to the amusement park. The scene where Bill berates a fat woman who gets in his way should be in the clip reel for the his Lifetime Achievement Oscar - which leads me to the dialogue. OK it's an awful script, made moreso by his attempts to be at times, maniacal, sleazy, dangerous, sensuous and the incarnation of evil, but remember the "KHAAAAAAAAAN!" scene from "Trek II?" Subtle by comparison.

You may be saying, "Well Bill was probably eating dog food by then," but that's who he is as an actor. Unless he's reined in by a clever director (preferably Leonard Nimoy) that's just his style. A good case in point is the death scene of Kirk's son in "Trek III." Bill could've really made a mess of this one but he pushed it just far enough and out came a moving scene.

On the eve of "Trek's" rebirth Bill used an invite to the Science Fiction Awards in 1978 to regale the world with those vocal stylings that landed him in the .25 bin at every vinyl hut in the U.S. "Singing" Elton John's classic "Rocket Man," he not only horribly mangled a quintessential '70s hit (in sci-fi parlance we'd say "reimagined") but the fact that it occurred in the era of the Betamax ensured that it would live forever, passed around first as a bootleg tape and then uploaded to the information superhighway where it would transcend eternity. Chris Elliott did a hilarious recreation on "Letterman" a few years back that needs to be seen back-to-back with Shatner's original.

Lucky for Bill the rebirth of "Trek" ensured he would not be a footnote in TV history. Kirk's reemergence allowed him to get better work, or at least more frequent work. And perhaps remembering the lean years of 1969-79 Bill took whatever he could get. More importantly he embraced the notion that he was a buffoon, that he overacted, that he was a prima donna. If there was a paycheck involved he set himself up better than any comedian. He famously insulted "Star Trek" fans with his hilarious 1986 Saturday Night Live skit which at the time hit a little too close to home for an awkward 16-year old who shall remain nameless. But guess what? HE GOT AWAY WITH IT! "Get a Life" became the hottest catch phrase in fandom for the next 20 years! He wrote a book with the very same title!

He goofed on himself relentlessly and let others do so at will, if it helped sell whatever book, movie, or CD Bill was shamelessly hawking. He became a staple at the conventions he shunned and let me tell you, the man brings down the house. All three times I have seen Bill I have been in stitches. If fans hate him - if they resent him you'd never know it from the roars of approval he gets. The world stops when he gets on stage. He puts on quite a show and has boundless energy for a man of 74.

Is Bill shameless? Yes.
Is he an egomaniac? Aren't all entertainers?
Is he greedy? If you were starving once wouldn't you hoard as many nuts as you could for the winter?
Does he court the same fans he once berated? Yup.
If he's not being paid to do so will he be nice to you? Probably not but you're a freak.

Bill is made of teflon because none of this sticks (OK maybe with Jimmy, George, Walter and Nichelle it does). His longevity is a testament to what? Tenacity mainly. The man has a ravenous appetite for life. He is more keenly aware of his own mortality and is obviously trying to cram 2 or 3 lifetimes into his allotted 1. The man can be an incomprehensible jackass but I love him. Who can say why? He's not a half bad actor when you get right down to it. Two emmys in two consecutive years for "Boston Legal," prove he has the respect of his peers, but he long since transcended the label "actor," to that of cultural icon. I think if you don't respect his acting respect his resilience. Respect the fact he can turn around some colossally humiliating experiences (preserved forever on film) to succeed. He never had to reinvent himself over and over like Madonna. All he had to do was be himself and the world came around.

"She packed my bags last night, pre-flight....Zero hour! 9 A.M. And I'm gonna be HIGHHHHH as a kite by then..."

http://www.milkandcookies.com/links/21099/details/

The Art of the Shortcut

Driving anywhere on Long Island is no picnic. Those of you familiar with the area know that there are not enough east-west passageways to accommodate the choking traffic that holds the Island in its sway. The LIE, the Northern and Southern State Parkways, Jericho Tpke, Sunrise Highway and Northern Blvd. are all overburdened and rush hour seems to start at 2 and last until 8.

About ten years ago I took a job as a reporter and that required me to traverse Nassau and Suffolk counties endlessly. I got to know every back road and alternate route from Great Neck to Montauk (an impressive feat for someone who couldn't read a map until he was 18.) I also have a Mom who doesn't enjoy highways and prefers experimenting with different routes. One of my earliest memories is driving with her to visit my grandmother and doing just that, so I am influenced by her. My father doesn't share this passion of ours, unfortunately.

I travel about 25 miles a day to work and if I went the commonly accepted way I am confident it would take me much longer. But even if it doesn't I am still moving and that's the really important part. If I only really save 5-10 minutes I save my precious sanity because I despise sitting in traffic more than anything. There's nothing worse than being trapped with no easy way out. There's a sense of accomplishment in avoiding problem areas before you hit them. The other day I was stuck in monstrous traffic on Northern Blvd and jumped off to a little used road that parallels it for at least a mile and when I came out I was past the jam. It's the little victories that make me happy.

How most people get from Jamaica to Huntington: LIE east to Route 110, head north.
How I get there: Union Tpke east to Community Drive to Searingtown Rd, to I.U. Willits Rd. until it ends at Old Westbury Rd. OW Rd. to LIE Service Rd, east to Post Rd. north on Post Rd. bear right on Whatley Rd, continue North, Cross Rte. 107 and continue North. Make a right on 25A and continue East until you reach Huntington (take Lawrence Hill Rd and avoid the town of Cold Spring Harbor while you're at it!)

http://www.traffic.com/

The Only Sport

Growing up I was not interested in any sport except baseball. That's primarily my father's influence - through him I gained an appreciation for the game itself, but more importantly its rich history. I became a rabid Met fan during the years they stunk (circa 1976-1983). I collected Topps baseball cards like a fiend - obtaining an entire set each year was my Everest. I traded, cajoled and bartered cards out of the hands of many classmates and friends (but never flipped, how stupid was that? Flipping was like playing the stock market.) I watched all the games televised on WOR Channel 9 and even wrote my first fan letter to the late broadcaster Lindsey Nelson (after he left the Mets - he wrote back too!)

I'm sure any fan of any sport can back up why there's is the best. They might even have the same reasons I use. For me baseball is not only the best sport, it's the only sport. I'm also definitely not your run-of-the-mill sports fan. I ceased watching every game a long time ago. The season comes alive for me during the playoffs. ESPN highlights and box scores satisfy me during the regular season, as well as the occasional in-person experience. I enjoy history and baseball has such a rich one, filled with tall tales, anecdotes, rich sagas and unforgettable moments that seem to penetrate deeper than any sport.

Baseball is filled with so much inherent drama that it's easy to see why so many films are made about it. How many hockey films are there? Two? It's woven into the fabric of our country's history and its icons are American folk heroes.

Now I'll be the first to admit baseball has left me deeply disgusted in the last 15 years or so. Yes I believe free agency killed the game, that the team concept has gone out the window and the Yankees are the devil. (Go Sox!) But every year, especially last year, baseball pulls me back in. The drama of the AL playoffs was so intense I could barely stand it. When the Red Sox beat the Yank$ I jumped up and down like a child. There is nothing better than seeing the underdog beat an unstoppable juggernaut (that's why history so loves the '55 Dodgers, the '69 Mets, and now the '04 Sox).

These days I can tell you every member of the Mets starting rotation in 1978 (Craig Swan, Pat Zachry, Nino Espinosa, Jerry Koosman - I did that in 10 seconds) and probably the Seattle Mariners if you give me a chance. But nowadays I struggle to remember names. But I still call myself a fan. I love the game itself much more than what goes on these days, because every once in a while we see a glimpse of what it can be in its best moments, when a 5th starter throws a no-hitter or a utility infielder hits a walk off homer to win a playoff game, or the Sox come back from 0-3 in the Playoffs. Those moments carry me through all the scandals, the egos and the nonsense. Baseball is so much more than a sport. It allows every man who immerses himself in its rich tapestry to stay connected to the kid he was, recalling a simpler time when all that mattered was that your team won and you got that Graig Nettles card that completed the 700 card Topps set.

The Best Game Ever: Game 6 of the 1975 World Series. It's the kind of game where you're on pins and needles even when you know the outcome.

Best Baseball movies: "The Natural," "Field of Dreams," "Eight Men Out," "Bull Durham," "The Rookie."

My favorite player: Tom Seaver

Orson Welles Has a Hissy Fit

You have to feel for Orson Welles...he directs what many consider the finest film ever made and is promptly ostracized in Hollywood for the rest of his time on earth. He makes a few more studio films ("The Lady From Shanghai," "Touch of Evil," etc.) here and there and expends considerable time and energy trying to obtain independent financing for his films, so he can work outside the system. Sadly many of these films are never finished. Others take years to complete. To supplement the financing he takes roles in lesser-quality films and uses his baritone voice to great effect with endless commerical and documentary voice overs. ("We will sell no wine before its time.") Apparently around 1972 he was performing one such inane voice over (one too many I guess...) and lost it. An intrepid sound engineer kept rolling tape....you can download it at the link below. Windows Media Player told me it didn't recognize the file (.swa) but it played anyway.

http://www.dplay.com/audio/Orsonplay.htm

Movies That Don't Suck Part 2

OK here are a few more gems that you have to see (remember old is good!)

Bedazzled (me) - NOT the crappy Brendan Fraser/Elizabeth Hurley REMAKE! Yes, people that was a remake. For about the last decade Hollywood has been strip mining its own vaults for "new" projects based on old TV shows, cartoons and of course, films. In the mid-60s Peter Cook and Dudley Moore were part of a new generation of British comedians that also spawned the Monty Python troupe. Already making waves with their sketch show, "Not Only But Also," they began branching into films with "The Wrong Box," but this hilarious take on the Faust legend was their first solo effort. Moore is hapless short-order cook Stanley Moon, a pathetic little guy desperately in love with a Margaret Spencer (Elizabeth Bron), a waitress who works with him. She of course doesn't even know he's alive and feeling utterly hopeless, he attempts suicide. Like everything else in his life he's unsuccessful. In pops the devil AKA George Spiggott (Cook) offering Stanley seven wishes in exchange for his measly little soul. And with the magic words, "Julie Andrews!" they are off and running through a hilarious series of vignettes depicting Stanley's desires skewed by "loopholes" left for George to wreak havoc. "Bedazzled" is a perfect example of that sublime British wit that requires a little bit of intelligence to fully appreciate (wow that sounded snobby but it's true!), which is also the case with Python. Moore and Cook were never better together and their relationship in the film is quite poignant. Each vignette is more hilarious than the next as George "interprets" Stanley's desires as only the Devil would. My personal favorite is one depicting Stanley as a mid-60s pop star that is a perfect snapshot of the Beatles-era insanity that occurred around that time. An extended cameo featuring Raquel Welch as "Lust," doesn't hurt either! (1967)

The Man Who Would Be King (E!) - John Huston wanted to make this film with Clark Gable and Humphrey Bogart and while I'd pay to see that one I can't imagine it with anyone other than Sean Connery and Michael Caine (why didn't these two do more films together??) The pair shine as Daniel Dravot (Connery) and Peachy Carnahan (Caine) two disgruntled British ex-soldiers roaming India whose larcenous ways have gotten them into a fair amount of hot water with the local authorities. The chemistry between these two is palpable and it's obvious they share a great bond. Their penchant for landing in trouble leads them into uncharted territory when they agree to defend a small village from an angry warlord. They dispatch the warlord with ease but in the process the villagers mistake Dravot for a direct descendant of Alexander the Great ("Son of Segunda"). Seeing this as the ultimate opportunity to pillage he and Peachy go along for the ride until the train rides horribly off the rails. Here is a must-see film for people whose memories of Connery don't extend beyond "Finding Forrester," ("You're the man now dog!" Ugh.) He and Caine are as perfectly matched as any screen duo - their friendship is the heart of the film and their sly, witty banter always elicits laughter. It could never be remade in this nauseating era of political correctness as it is loaded with ethnic humor, and part of me is glad - no one could replace these two! (1974)

A Christmas Carol (AKA Scrooge) (Dad) - There have been countless retellings of the Charles Dickens classic, "A Christmas Carol," both on film and television. At last count there were at last ten versions (if you include "Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol!") Many distinguished actors have taken a shot at the role including Reginald Owen, Frederic March, Albert Finney, George C. Scott, Bill Murray, Henry Winkler and Patrick Stewart. Some of them have missed the mark entirely and some have added new dimensions to this intriguing character, but it is the late Alastair Sim who took this role and made it his own. In the 1951 version of "A Christmas Carol" (simply titled "Scrooge" when it was released) Sim played this role with all the appropriate malice, disgust and wickedness it required. Anyone who tries to soften the character waters him down and makes his conversion at the end much less wondrous than Dickens intended. Case in point: when Patrick Stewart essayed the role in his magnificent one-man show on Broadway I thought here is a man worthy to succeed Sim as THE preeminent Scrooge. However on film he chose to play Scrooge as cold rather than heartless, indifferent rather than spiteful, cheap rather than avaricious. It just doesn't work. Why is Sim so brilliant in this role? Yes he is cruel, wicked and spiteful as the role demands, but it is his disdain and revulsion for everything Christmas stands for and the subtle ways in wish he shows it that make this performance the best. It's not how he berates or chastises but the incredulous disbelief he displays at the happiness of people like poor Bob Cratchitt or his nephew Fred. Sim is also brilliant as he essays Scrooge's slow conversion as the three ghosts past, present and future, take him on a tour of himself and his ultimate destiny should no change occur. His deeply expressive face speaks volumes when confronted with the tragedies of his own life and that of Bob Cratchitt. The icing on the cake is Scrooge's jubilation when he realizes he has a second chance at life. His elation is palpable, brilliantly comedic and truly poignant all at the same time. You can't help but feel happy at the sight of this man who realizes he has wasted his life and is ready to make amends. Another reason this version is so successful is that it does not stray too far from the original text. The least successful versions either ignored important passages, made up some of their own, or dumbed-down the brilliant Victorian-era dialogue. (1951)

OK, I got carried away talking about these films but I assure you they do not disappoint! I think for the future I'll include a "it doesn't suck" movie every day or every other day. We haven't even scratched the surface!

Movies That Don't Suck

I grew up during a golden age for popcorn films. As I came of age during the late 70s and early 80s the trend of documentary-style character-driven pieces like "Five Easy Pieces," "Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore" and its ilk were on the wane. They never died out completely but two little films came along in 1975 and '77 respectively that created the "event film genre" that sucked me in to loving movies. Those were, of course, "Jaws," and "Star Wars." Thanks to them there was a renaissance of sci-fi and action/adventure that lasted for about a decade. These are the films most precious to me, the ones I identify with a simpler time that seems almost magical. Films like "Superman I and II," "Raiders of the Lost Ark," "Close Encounters," "Blade Runner," and the "Star Wars" sequels dominated my consciousness at the time. I graduated to more cynical fare as I grew older but those are the films I cherish. Yet those are not the non-sucking films I wish to discuss.

We all have people in our lives who expose us to things we should be reading/watching yet aren't because we're complacent and happy with the status quo. My status quo was that post-1975 period of popcorn fare I mentioned above. I had 2 older friends and a father who exposed me to a galaxy of older, better films than the ones I hung my hat on, watching over and over and over.

My Dad loves swashbucklers like "Robin Hood," The Mark of Zorro," and "The Sea Hawk." He exposed me to the joys of matinee idols like Errol Flynn and Tyrone Power. He also instilled in me a love of pre-"Star Wars" science fiction. My friend E! forced me to watch films that predated that critical year of 1975 and even in (gasp!) black and white. Through him I gained an appreciation for the classics of the 60s and 70s, primarily the epic films that died with that decade and painted on a broad, sweeping canvas of characters and story. I hated horror films up until around 1990 until my friend K schooled me in the ways of Universal monsters, thus creating a new obsession for me, see them all, own them all. My Dad, E! and K brought me to the table and I gorged myself and am still gorging myself to this day. Here's a list of films that either they made me watch or I sought out as a result of their continued influence:

The Adventures of Robin Hood (Dad) - As swashbucklers go this is the Holy Grail. Errol Flynn was perfectly suited to play the dashing hero with his combination of humor, athleticism and a million dollar smile. This film is quite simply a joy to watch from a bygone era of filmmaking. (1938)

A Man For All Seasons (Dad) - An amazing cast headed by the incomparable Paul Scofield tells the story of St. Thomas More and his defiance of King Henry VIII (Robert Shaw). Scofield is riveting as a man whose devotion to principles of law and matters of faith are legendary. He delivers his brilliantly-written dialogue with such conviction it's impossible not to be swept up into the story. (1966)

The Good, the Bad & The Ugly (E!) - Before this film Clint was either Dirty Harry or Filo Beddoe to me. While not necessarily a bad thing those characters can't compare to the Man With No Name. "GBU" is a film that turned the conventions of the Western on its head, before Peckinpah did it with "The Wild Bunch." Clint is amazing as the amoral, taciturn "hero" and Eli Wallach steals the show as Tuco, an opportunistic thief who gets all the great lines. Its story is epic in scope and tone and director Sergio Leone filmed it with incredible wide shots, in-your-face close-ups and created an almost unbearable tension during the film's searing climax. (1966)

The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (E!) - The quintessential "New York" movie. "Pelham" is a snapshot of New York City in the mid-70s capturing its sights, sounds and characters beautifully. Based on an absurd premise (hijacking a subway train) the film begs you to see how this seemingly ludicrous story can be considered a classic. It's a well-crafted, intelligent thriller that is only enhanced by the actors who populate it, most notably Walter Matthau who shines as Zeke Garber, a tired Transit Cop who can't believe what he's hearing. Matthau's dry wit is a standout and lightens the mood in all the right places. Couple that with the brutal efficiency of Robert Shaw's lead villain, a great supporting cast and you have the high watermark of gritty '70s filmmaking. (1974)

Frankenstein (K) - I have another good friend whose taste in horror is far ranging but concentrated more on the blood-n-guts of the 70s and beyond. I could never really get into those films with a few exceptions. I gained an appreciation for them much later. The Universal and Hammer films of the '30s-60s were much more my speed. Mood, atmosphere, fantastic monsters and a "less is more" attitude attracted me to these horror films. The crowning glory is James Whale's "Frankenstein," with the incomparable Boris Karloff. Sure it creaks like any 75-year old film would but it is a triumph of mood, lighting, atmosphere and above all Karloff's brilliant performance as the misunderstood monster. Special mention also to Colin Clive as the manic Dr. Frankenstein, the template for all "mad scientists" who would follow! (1931)

I'll compose a Part 2 soon........