"They're here to see me!"

I’m a self-professed autograph hound/nut/junkie who has spent the last four years trying to track down every actor/ball player who’s ever done anything I enjoyed. For me, like most Y-chromosome types, hobbies inevitably become obsessions. You start to think, “I’d better nab so-and-so before they die, and if they’re 80+ I should sent this to them priority mail! You never know!”

I’m a writer by trade so a good letter is always key. I’ve always believed you should only seek an autograph from someone who you admire. That way it’s easy to write a personal letter filled with glowing prose that strokes their egos and makes them not so mad you found their home address you crazy stalker!

Now even if you get something back that does not guarantee authenticity. The most popular actors (the Denzel’s, the Julia’s, etc) have a battery of toadies who will gladly fake their signature for the honor of being employed by them after they pick up the laundry and walk the dog. Agencies have automatic signature machines that will even personalize it for you! Thankfully the web has enough info on the signing habits of stars that enables you to avoid these people and minimize your chances for a bum autograph.

Whenever I can I enjoy the in-person autograph experience. Living on the east coast is a major handicap when it comes to conventions and autograph shows. The only one worth its salt is the Chiller Show, held three times a year in East Rutherford, NJ. It is a challenge to be be sure but the only way to meet some heroes of your youth. Recently I attended the Halloween Chiller show and attacked it like I was storming Normandy. I got there early with advance tickets, plenty of money, a friend to take pictures and a short script of what I would say to each one given the chance. Here’s a breakdown of the experience actor by actor:

Adam West: I have not heard many good things about the former Dark Knight. I’ve heard everything ranging from he’s nasty to he’s had too much xanex. Trolling forums from other convention websites is a good indicator of how they behave. So I went in expecting nothing. The Chiller people put him at the end of a long table that included Lee Meriwether and Burt Ward. He was not amused. His agent invented a West line so people could get to him quicker. “They’re here to see me!” he berated his agent as I approached. Yikes. Well once he saw me he smiled and signed my photo, shook my hand and thanked me for a compliment I gave him. Initially the agent was refusing photos with Adam but relented later so I ran back later on and got a photo taken with him. He smiled for the photo which he rarely does so I was happy. Adam spent his time doodling on the table whenever he wasn’t signing.

Burt Ward: A nice guy. Just got a quick word in with him as he signed. Burt has packed on the pounds in recent years while West is still lean and trim at 77.

Lee Meriwether: A lovely woman with a lovely daughter! Anyway I told her I loved her role in “Star Trek,” and she apologized for not having photos from it. She signed a “Catwoman” pic for me and was lamenting the loss of all the people she worked with like Frank Gorshin and Buddy Ebsen. They stuck her between West and Ward. If I were Adam West I wouldn’t be in the same state as Ward after his infamously salacious tell-all of a decade ago.

William Katt: One of the most approachable of the celebs. Bill spoke about his hatred for the monkey suit in “Greatest American Hero,” and how he felt he’d do the pilot and that would be that. It turned into a three-season run that while popular, put a serious crimp in this stage actor’s career. Still he seemed to have no regrets. When I told him I thought he and Robert Culp had a great antagonistic rapport he smiled and said, “That’s because we hate each other. I still hate him. Go tell Bob I hate him.”

Robert Culp: I didn’t have the stones to relate Mr. Katt’s comments to Mr. Culp who was a gentleman. The cacophony of the autograph tent made it a little difficult for the older stars to hear so I didn’t make too much small talk with him.

Karen Allen: Another great guest. I needed her to sign four photos for me so I didn’t want to bug her too much. We chatted about “Starman,” and the dashed hopes for a sequel as well as the rumor she’s in “Indy IV.” “They say I am,” she shrugged. As an aside I’ve always felt it’s nice to get a few words in with the actors, perhaps ask a question (even a rehearsed one) to maximize the experience.

Ann Robinson: This veteran of old Hollywood was a class act. She talked to me at length about the initial reaction to “War of the Worlds,” and how people viewed the now-classic film in 1953. Again a good question provokes a thoughtful answer.

Warwick Davis: This little person has seen more action than most actors of his generation as a veteran of “Star Wars,” “Harry Potter,” the “Leprechaun” films and much more. He’s a very personable fellow and we talked about his experiences on the set of “Return of the Jedi.”

Noel Neill: I was thrilled to meet this icon of superhero cinema. As the preeminent Lois Lane she has been a great ambassador for Superman for over 50 years. I got a little tongue-tied with her since I couldn’t believe I was with meeting her but she was extremely sweet. She noted that she was sworn to secrecy about her role in “Superman Returns,” and rolled her eyes.

John Landis: The director of “Animal House,” “The Blues Brothers,” “An American Werewolf in London,” “Trading Places,” was a hoot. He was good natured and teased people who brought him some truly bizarre things to sign. Someone brought him a poster for “Kentucky Fried Movie,” and he observed, “I hate this f**king poster.” He then asked the gentleman if he had the DVD. He said he only had the VHS. Landis said, “You cheap bastard!” And I think he wrote it on the poster!

Spice Williams: I knew the Klingon temptress from “Star Trek V,” was a little kooky going in but she gave us the biggest laugh of the day. She talked about the whole “Trek V/Shatner” experience at length. Number #1 quote. “His hand was on my butt the whole time.” This woman took her role really seriously, memorizing her Klingon dialogue and not the English dialogue. She can still recite it too!

Antoinette Bower and William O’Connell: Two guest stars from the original “Star Trek.” Both were extremely pleasant and remarked how befuddled they were at signing photos from a one-week guest shot on a low-rated science fiction series forty years later.

The Chiller convention is a logistical and practical nightmare that if approached the wrong way, can be a horrific experience. This year we made sure we did it right. I came away with some goodies and nothing but pleasant experiences with everyone I met. Too many people have their heroic images ruined when they meet these people. You have to remember a few salient points going in.

They are there to make money so don’t waste their time babbling on. They aren’t at the top of the heap anymore so make them feel like they still are. Ask them an intelligent question that might spark a nice anecdote or if you’re just going the compliment route don’t just tell them you love them, tell them why. It’s the same in a letter. All in all it was a good experience. Hopefully next year they’ll have a better venue!